If I drop something in the toilet, it’s gone forever. I am not going in after it. Just ask my daughter. Oh, that’s right, you can’t.
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Me: I got the vaccine!
MIL: I’m coming for a visit
Me: I don’t want it anymore!
Can someone please explain to me how we got to this point in Indian dramas?
Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
do mermaids get waxed or descaled
I hate men who say “where’s my hug?” Uhhh I don’t know, where’s your mom at?
My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
“I need to get laid man!”
– eggs (in the chicken)
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
“The name’s And The Giant Peach. James And The Giant Peach.”
I’d like to take a moment to thank everyone who took time out of her or his busy schedule to tell me, “omg you look like hell.”