*phone rings*
Wife: “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me (a dad): “Hello. Yes my wife is here. Hey, Not In. It’s for you.”
Wife: “….”
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How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
You can’t see me anymore because of Ebola??!
Is she prettier than me?
She sounds hideous!
Well, I hope you’re happy together.*END CALL*
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
I sleep with a bat under my bed in case someone breaks in and wants to learn about echolocation
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.
*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*
Well that sucked.
i choose….tongue
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
[Christmas morning]
Me *opening gift* we got a baseball bat!Son: Aw I wanted candy
Piñata friend: I don’t like where this is heading