A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
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Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
I feel like I’ve been drinking water since the day I was born. When does it end? Like get over it blood I’ve given you plenty
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
I’m just saying honey, if I sound like a cat throwing up hair balls the next day…it may be time to trim things up a bit.
Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
I just bought orange juice and wine. No, not for mimosa’s. Orange juice for my husband, because he is sick. Wine for me, because my husband is sick.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
When two people miss a high five two ghosts get smacked in the face
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he always narrates real life-
ME: she complained
WIFE: see!
ME: she exclaimed
WIFE:
ME: she was speechless
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.