My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
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Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
#WhenIMisspelled ya know.
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.