Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
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“There’s plenty of fish in the sea” is just something people say because you’re going to be alone. Fishing is something you can do alone.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Who did it better?
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”
“No whey!”
Create a time machine to the 70s by carpeting your entire toilet.
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Cinderella was a mess. I mean, I have bad taste in men, but at least I never settled for a guy who couldn’t remember what my face looked like.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
“We have nothing to fear but fear itself.”
-People who have never seen a flying cockroach
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.