me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
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*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Hamburger Hinderer.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
The Person Who Discovered Sharks
Teacher: you failed your spelling test, all your words are missing a t
Dracula: *pulling out doctor’s note* oh you mean the little cross?
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Fog is like lingerie for the sky.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
Guys only want one thing and it’s to lick your Himalayan salt lamp when you’re not looking.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”