There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
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it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
I keep lowering my expectations and you keep limbo-ing underneath them.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
[goes up to a pair of identical twins]
so how did yall meet
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.