A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
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What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
me: my friends:
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Hey don’t get mad at us just because Generation X got the cool nickname
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Before a long trip I drink allot of alcohol the night before. Dehydration will work for me for once.
“sticks and stones may break my bones”
“got it, thank you!”
“wait there’s more”
“but you already foolishly revealed your weakness to me”
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.