Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
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#Caturday
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
the answer was staring at me all along
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
Me: Yeah like that, baby.
Him: *caresses my back, plays with my hair*
Me: *moans*
Him: *growls* I’m gonna do so many–
Me: *snores, drools*
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Word of the Day: No
Please use it in a sentence: No.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
Excuse me, I’m sorry to interrupt but woodpecker tongues go all the way the hell around the top of their skulls like some kind of insane deli ticket machine
It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
*takes picture of son putting ornament on the tree*
Okay, now give that back to mommy and don’t touch another one, okay?
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)