santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
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Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
With hindsight, answering the door with one unshaven leg, one dripping with blood & radioheads “creep” blaring out probably didn’t help.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
This one’s “Alex”.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
[at work]
Carl, did you get naked when you used the bathroom?
*standing there with his shirt & pants on backwards*
“No…why do you ask?”
We were behind on mowing the lawn, which was already driving my husband nuts, but then the neighbor called to see if we’d like to borrow his lawn mower because clearly ours must be broken and now my husband says we have to move
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
We can put a man on the moon, but we can’t think of a less terrifying way to can biscuits
What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Google reviews are always so mixed..
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
okay run it by me one more time
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Women who wear pink camo, what exactly are you hiding from?