Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
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Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
What idiot called it “The Nightmare Before Christmas” and not “A Nightmare on Elf Street?”
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
76 vanilla wafers later.
“I don’t like these.”
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
doctor: do u smoke?
me: no
doctor: mmhmm *writes in my file*
me: [nervously] is…is that bad?
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
I have a huge advantage in Wordle because I have had the alphabet memorized for over 10 years.
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?