INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
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me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
COMPUTER: Enter password
ME: [types ’14days’]
COMPUTER: Your password is two week
ME: Uh?
COMPUTER: Computer do joke. Computer funny.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
Sound smarter than you are: end words with “eaux” and sentences with “if you will.” If you’re pissed, “quite frankly” adds a nice touch.
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
“How much ice does it take to preserve a dead body?”
*I ask on twitter because googling it gets people caught.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Parts of a worm:
1) Worm
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe