Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
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If there is an opportunity for me to put my pants on backwards in the dark, I take it every time. Apparently.
Harrison Ford just turned up at my AA group. I’ve never seen Han so low.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
Me: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
You: Would you like some coffee?
Me: No.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
Owl Sanctuary
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
*Batman receives electric bill for Bat Signal*
“ALFRED WE’RE GETTING IPHONES.”
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
Friend: Oh my God, I just can’t explain how he makes me feel. He just has this way with me. It’s just so…magical.
Me: You’re literally paying him for that and technically hypnosis is not magic.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.