I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
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When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
Rain chat:
“Did you hear the rain last night?”
“Yeah it kept me awake”
“Same! What time did you get to sleep?”
“I’m not sure. When did you?”
“About three I think but then it woke me up again”
“Same. I even went downstairs at one point”
“Yeah I should’ve done that”
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
I always keep a shotgun under my bed in case a horse sneaks in and breaks his leg
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
When you don’t understand how floors work
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
Y’all know who you are.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!