Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
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I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
When I finished a one on one session with a first grader he pulled back his chair and said I need a strong cup of coffee.
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger:
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT