Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
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God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.
If you love someone let them go. If they come back they probly forgot their keys or something & yikes that’s gonna be an awkward 30 seconds.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Me: *gives a detailed explanation of the law based on 20 years of experience as an attorney*
Female client: My husband said the exact opposite of what you told me.
Me: Where did your husband go to law school?
Client: He didn’t.
Me: So you should probably just do what he says.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
“No one told me we were picking weapons today. What’s left?”
– Donatello
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.*The fault in our Jars*
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Liquor Store Parking
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Her: Use your hands to pleasure me
Me: Uh, ok *picks up phone and orders food*
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.