Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
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My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
*cleans house while wife’s out*
W: *walks in* wow babe, thanks so-
M: APRIL FOOL’S *runs around making huge mess til it’s worse than before*
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
I would like a mode of transportation that only allows me to travel a foot at a time with maximum effort requiring stellar balance.
*pogo stick inventor* I got you.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably