To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
You Might Also Like
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
legolas: you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
[everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
me: you may have a SMALL bite
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Of course I’m a mom, why else would I hide in the laundry room to eat cake?
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.