My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
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Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
The fact that there are countless First Responders alongside the street tells me everything I need to know about running marathons.
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
“How’s your day going?”
Me:Thank you, he’s so hot I don’t even know what I want to do first…Grandma: (interrupting) Okay, can someone else say the prayer please?
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot