The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
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Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
“Matt, you just need to date the type of person that will always be there for you!”
[tries to date pizza]
[gets friend calzoned]
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
WIFE: Let’s role-play
ME: OK
W: U be a teacher
*I get up & leave*
W: Where u going?
M: Do u have ANY idea how much paperwork I’ve got to do?
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Just say no
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
Noise-canceling headphones aren’t enough anymore. I need an emotion-canceling backpack. Existential dread-canceling cargo pants. A pair of shoes that makes me forget I exist.
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
Why are bridges so flammable.