I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
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“We need a new deck.”
“Why?”
“Take a guess.”
“Charlie ate all the threes again?”
“Charlie ate all the threes again.”
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
[feeding baby]
Wife: here comes the airplane
Me whispering in baby’s ear as he swallows his food: that was a spoon. Her lies don’t end here
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
The first person who saw a kangaroo reach into its pouch never fuckin’ thought it’d yank another little kangaroo outta there
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair