[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
You Might Also Like
Every photo I’m tagged in
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
parents: you are what you eat
kids:
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Siri, fight Alexa.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
ppl come over to ur house and are like “can i get myself a glass of water” and ur like “sure” and u look over and they’ve chosen literally the most random glass you’ve ever seen
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Her: So do you like hash browns?
Me: I like pretty much anything I can smoke and please don’t call me browns
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Adulthood is leaving the house, then two minutes later try to remember whether you locked the front door.
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*