Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
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Every app is fighting for their life with push notifications and growth hacks, meanwhile wordle is right there having us do our daily pilgrimage to a mobile website
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
The remote isn’t working! And the TV’s stuck on Food Network again!
“Are you in the kitchen?”
Yes.
“Honey, that’s the microwave.”
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
I highly suggest that you do not google that term.
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.