me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening
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It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Yoga isn’t as easy as you’d think a few drinks in…
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
step 6: release the wall snake
Hey to all the girls with more than one person in their picture you’re making this VERY DIFFICULT.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
[dog catches me bringing a box of fireworks in the house]
Me: Oh hey buddy, this isn’t what it looks like, okay.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
[interview]
What’s your greatest weakness?
ME: Probably avoiding tough questions
Can you elaborate on that?
ME: Oh hey look at the time!
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Is the sacrifice I made for 9 months not enough? Sharing my body and nourishing a child twice didn’t prove my level of unselfishness? Why must I constantly give and give and-
Husband: JUST LEAVE THE LAST TWO WAFFLES FOR THE KIDS YOU’VE ALREADY HAD 8