CUTE CAT‼︎
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[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Hey, have you two seen my Vodka? I left it right here?
My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…