Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
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Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
When #EgyptAir announced “he’s not a terrorist, just an idiot” My ex wife phoned to see if it was me.
[in bed]
BF: Why are you scared?
ME: Cuz your Mom’s here
BF: She’s not bad
*Mom hands me pregnancy test* This better be positive by sunrise
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Doctor: You have emphysema
Batman: How?
Doctor: Probably from throwing smoke bombs to get out of tough situations
Batman:
Doctor:
Batman: *throws smoke bomb*