Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
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One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
My neighbour is pissed. My recycle bin has missing for months so I’ve been using hers. My boyfriend is missing too. Same situation.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
I charge people $5 if they say “It is what it is.”
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
Back in my day, we didn’t have apps to tell everyone where we were all the time
We had to actually work for it if we wanted to get murdered
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction