ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
You Might Also Like
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
Latex inflatable trousers, don’t leave home without them.
#Harikrishnan #Menswear #LondonCollegeOfFashion
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
me adding lol on a serious message
A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.