My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
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A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Daughter: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
me: I Love You!!
oldest: I love you too!!
middle: *silence*
youngest: Thank you.
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
I went to the bathroom at IKEA and needed an Allen wrench to flush the toilet.
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
I don’t see the point of being a godmother if the kid refuses to kiss my ring. I mean, what the hell?