Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
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so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
My 10-year-old son only just now realized the character in The Avengers is named “Hawkeye”, not “Hot Guy”
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
every house is a dream house when you can’t afford one
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest
Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Columbus: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Well–
Columbus: *just yanks me out of my car and drives off in it*
Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!
Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.