I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”
You Might Also Like
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow
[walking into a store on september 1st]
employee: MERRY CHRISTMAS!
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
i love modern commerce
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
awkward
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently