This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
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If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Peace was never an option
Just came to the realization that my ten year high school reunion will be in 10 months. I have about nine days to get married and pregnant.
(True)
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
People are always like “you’re so crazy” and I’m all like “please take off the restraints, I promise I won’t do it again”.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
chumbawamba: I get knocked down
me: so relatable
chumbawamba: but I get up again
me: oh nevermind
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
Twitter is like being able to read every toilet wall in the world.
Pastor: For better, for worse?
Husbands: Sure.
P: In sickness and in health?
H: Yep.
P: Till death do you part?
H: I do.
P: And also she’s going to want some of your fries even if she doesn’t order her own.
H: Hang on … what?
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!