Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
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I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.
Expectant Parent: What’s it like being a parent?
Me: Have you ever wrestled an alligator covered in vaseline?
Expectant Parent:
Me: Don’t worry, you’ll learn.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
We can probably reopen restaurants right now if we all use feed bags
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.