I have many caverns
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Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
I hired a roofer…
but then he came down with the shingles
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
How did so many people gain weight during the pandemic when salad was the only thing stores never ran out of?
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
Practice for parenthood by approaching a pack of rabid wolves and saying “Time to brush teeth! Who wants to go first?” Do that twice a day.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
People who sleep on the floor in a tent, build fires, poop in a hole and fight off bears…there is another way.
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.