Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
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Bitcoin. Toothurt.
[first date]
HER: So do you prefer cats or dogs?
ME: *scanning the menu* I don’t even see them on here. What page are you on?
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
repaired
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
[runs into friends with baby]
Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.
Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?
Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?
Some day, you too, will meet someone you want to spend the rest of your days without
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves
ready to be harvested
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
[1st day undercover]
Me: [to gang of street punks] what up dongs?
Voice through earpiece: OMG its DAWGS u idiot
Me: is ur gang hiring today?
*howling & snorting* I don’t know what the big deal is about skipping some medication.
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.