That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
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Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
From now on when people come up to me while I’m pregnant and say, ‘looks like you’re getting so close now!’ I’m just going to start saying ‘you too!’
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Hot mothers in your area want you to text them to let them know you got home ok.
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie
[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
*purposely chooses network with most dropped calls*
You: Sitting down to eat
Me: *hovering* Sooo…are you gonna finish that?
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.