therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
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[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Current mood: Potato
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?