Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
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god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
[creation]
GOD: Let’s name some of you bugs
FLY: Me first!
GOD: Okay…Fly
FLY: Hell yeah!
BUTTERFLY: Now me!
GOD: Hmm…Butterfly
FLY: Sonuvab-
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Used to think my house was pretty nice until I starting watching HGTV. Now I just walk around depressed about my lack of sliding barn doors & wondering if I can knock down a wall & discover pristine hardwood floors under my carpet…all before I host book club at 6:00pm tomorrow.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
*hand touches hot stove*
BRAIN: GET IT OFF NOW NOW*mouth eats hot food*
BRAIN: CHEW FASTER. JUGGLE IT WITH YOUR TONGUE. DON’T BE A QUITTER
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.