JUDGE: I hereby sentence you t-
PENGUIN COURT REPORTER: *angrily smashing keyboard with flippers* CAN YOU GUYS SLOW DOWN A BIT
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[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Wife just shouted to me to get my big chopper out .After the panic subsided, I realised she meant we were out of firewood for the stove.
*weighs self after shaving
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
would Medusa wear a hat
like this OR like this
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
People commenting on celebrities posting makeup-free selfies: “Empowering queen!”
Me, posting a makeup-free selfie: “Rough night? Need a hug?”
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Merry Christmas
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
If my boyfriend ever cheated on me I’d be like omg I have a boyfriend 🙂
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
Me: *parks in “pregnant women only” parking spot after overeating at the buffet*
Stranger: Oh wow, you look like you’re going to pop! When are you due?
Me: Probably in like 24-30 hours.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.