The first workout after vacation week reminds you of how many cheeseburgers you had while on vacation
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Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
My kid is having a rock sale at the park because ‘everyone sells lemonade but no one sells rocks’.
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
Aries: You will be visited by three ghosts this Christmas. They’re all married, so don’t even ask.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.