*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
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Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
*puts on new Fitbit*
*steps on scales*
Welp, this is bullshit!
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Well my name’s Harry Potter and I’m here to say
That half of my movies looked wet and gray
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
Na mad people full this app… 😂😂😂
[wife answering phone]
Gary, it’s 3am! Where are you?“I don’t have time for questions, but if you ever wanted a peacock tell me now!”
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.