6-year-old: Where did the tornado go?
Me: Don’t worry. It’s gone.
6: To where?
Me: It just disappeared
6: Isn’t that a little bit fishy?
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forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Only Americans understand
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
“That Will Smith is a nice young man, I hope he wins Celebrity Apprentice.”
No Grandma, that’s Ben Carson and this is the Republican Debate
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.
This is a true ally.
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES