Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
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Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
so weird how every mom was born today
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it’s a team I hate. In that case, she’s probably a whore.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.