[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
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My toddler was about to hit her head on a bar at the playground so I told her to duck and she quacked at me.
And then hit her head.
(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
The dogs are drawn by their screams.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
they really do be looking like this
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
Beastie Boys: What’s the time? It’s time to get ill!
Audience: *simultaneously eats a bunch of raw hamburger*
B Boys: not like that
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Honey, someone thinks I’m subtweeting them again..
Honey?
[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.