Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
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Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
I’m writing a fairytale about a printer that just works.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
In Starbucks a woman went sh*t house rat crazy when she got a double shot of espresso instead of the triple shot she ordered. I’m fine now.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”
“Eat human corpses?”
[flashback to eating quinoa]
“Y…yes.”
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.