OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
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Good morning y’all ☀️
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
we planned to renew our vows but my wife got cold feet so we are just regular married still
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
they should invent a device that lets other people comprehend how stupid I know them to be
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
[First Date]
Me: “I’m sorry. It’s just that I’ve been burned before.”
*Stuffs handful of fries through visor in hazmat suit
*Closes visor
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Body by cheese-puffs.
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?