Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
You Might Also Like
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say “Come, Sock” over and over again at the dog park
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Chuffed as chips with my new Apple watch!
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
🤣🤣
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
😲 WTF? 😆