If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
You Might Also Like
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
all i’m saying is if you genuinely think the up-scaled gorilla would ever beat the NUCLEAR-POWERED GIANT LIZARD MONSTER in a fight then i fundamentally don’t understand you as a person
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
T
h
a
a
a
t
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
I actually enjoy homeschooling my kids. What’s my secret? I’m doing a terrible job.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
[first day in the crime lab]
me: I can’t believe we get to invent new heists
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
The pen is writier than the sword.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.