one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
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*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
Friend: I’m so sore from the class I took at the gym
Me: I spent 10 minutes trying to pick up a cube of ice off my floor, I know the feeling
I find it creepy that everything Bryan Adams does, he does it for me.
Mother: We named you after my father
Me: Yeah, I understand how time works
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
I had a race with a smart car today.
I was winning at first but my God there’s so much I can walk.
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok