My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
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Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
I’m not laughing AT you, I’m laughing WITH other people at you.
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
seashell: [holding me to its ear]
me: [making city noises]
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
The old gods are rising again.
On tonight’s episode of Catfish, Cathy finds out she’s been in an online relationship with a pineapple.
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
At my age getting lucky means having the house to myself